Archive for October, 2013

ImageIf the name Vera Sidika doesn’t ring a bell, then you probably are an alien from Pluto or some other obscure planet. I mean, how in the Kenyan showbiz have you not heard about this well endowed schoolmate of mine? Her booty is so big that it could win an Oscar all by itself! As such it has catapulted her to fame and landed her a lucrative career as a video vixen and a socialite. Here’s another factoid you probably didn’t know about Vera – Her hairstyle costs sh.450,000! Who said booty doesn’t pay?

But why do Africans adore women with big booty and deride those with infinitesimal behinds? Some people have suggested it’s just another example of Africa’s rank stupidity, but there’s more to this byzantine obsession than meets the eye. It’s all in our genes.

Ask any African girl her idea of the ideal man and I bet my house she will answer you with the cliché “tall, dark and handsome.” Ever asked yourself where this craze originated from? Turns out it’s all in our genes, it’s something evolutionary too!

Guys, have you ever noticed that every time you’re walking behind a lass, she’ll keep pulling down her top in an ineffectual attempt as though to cover her butt? Why do ladies keep doing this? Read on and you’ll discover the answers.

The other day during our weekly journalism club meeting, a member (let’s call him Mike) prompted a candid and scintillating discussion by posing the above questions. None of us seemed to have any clue, so Mike went ahead and lucidly explained the rationale beneath these peculiar mannerisms.

Let’s start with demystifying the booty. Walking down Cassandra Drive in KU, one cannot fail to notice the spectacle of guys craning their necks every time a lady with a corpulent bottom passes by. Our friend Mike traced the genesis of this seemingly asinine behavior to the Stone Age period, when all of mankind used to be hunters and gatherers. During that epoch, women with big behinds were considered the most fertile. As such, men would joust each other for a piece of such ladies.

Presently, any medical student will promptly dismiss the notion that a girl’s booty determines her fertility as a fallacy. But this frivolous obsession with the booty has remained inside our genes for eons; we just can’t shake it off.

And why do women keep pulling down their tops to cover their asses any time a guy is watching them? Though a girl might be clothed like an Eskimo in the middle of winter, she always feels naked when a dude is behind her. In the Stone Age era, it was a custom for women to always keep their fertility (read booty) covered. Portions of the trait have been passed to the present-day African woman, who exhibits the mannerism by pulling her top downwards every so often.

And where did this fad about tall, dark and handsome originate from? It also started during the same epoch of hunting and gathering. Brave hunters would spend most of their time outdoors chasing after rabbits, pythons, kangaroos, and whatever game they used to hunt those days. They would brave the fiery sun in the plains of Savanna in order to provide bread and butter (pardon the ambiguity) to their families. As such, the sun would turn their skin into the darkest of all shades. During those days, a skin as dark as anthracite denoted brave hunters.

What about the height? That’s simple. There is no way one can be short and at the same time become an excellent hunter (Inspekta Mwala is the only exception). Women, being gold diggers that they still are, were attracted to men who had the ability to put food on the table. Just as men admired ladies with big booty, women too flocked towards tall and dark men like moths to a light bulb. And that, my dear brethren, is how tall and dark became the perception of handsome.



Getting back with an ex can prove to be quite a conundrum. However, for those thinking of breathing new life to their dead relationships, there are a few things to be put in mind.



The Mugendalets are at it again. This time, they’ve effectively crossed the threshold from being a reprehensible minute institution full of primitive energy to being an international (I blame this on Thika Road) institution still full of primitive energy. Their primal nature has never shone brighter than when students are getting ready to elect their next leaders.

ImageI have no problem with students’ right to vote; Democracy is imperative.  What gets my goat is the inculpable nonsense that passes for campaigns in Kenyan institutions of higher learning. Our campaigns are malignant, uncouth, morally distorted and – get this – cursed with an evil eye.

I am an environmentalist, and the way these politicians and their dissident sycophants plaster campaign posters left, right and center really chaps my shorts. Placards, banners and leaflets are posted on every spare square inch on campus, causing untold harm to our eye sights. And as if that is not enough, the maniacs never bother to clean up their trash. Wangare Maathai’s ashes must be very furious wherever they are. Common sense ideals like disposing a politician’s manifesto into a dustbin (where it belongs) have gone the way of the dodo. The once clean and green environment is now but a garish hoarding intrusive to our eyes.

ImageTribalism is another anathema that has gripped campus politics. No matter how good your policies seem, there are people who will shy away from voting you in simply because of the accident of birth in a certain group. Politicians know this, and that’s why they play the trump card to manipulate the voters. Just the other day, a popular candidate vying for school presidency mounted the rostrum only to disappoint students by addressing them in his mother tongue. Some even take the filth to social media where they spew hateful and abusive vitriol. It’s a sad state of affairs.

Sometimes I get convinced that whoever came up with the expression ‘Politics is a dirty game’ must have been an observer of campus elections. I almost shed a tear the other day when I came across a phalanx of comrades harassing bodaboda operators by forcing them to stick campaign posters on their motorcycles. Hired hooligans run rampant across the campus, acting like raving fools on a mid-term break from the Mathare Institute of the Mentally Profane. Another card from the bag of tricks is bribing their rascally drink-loving comrades with beer. When did we sink this low?

Am not suggesting it’s impossible to find a candidate who plays nice. Lightening has been known to strike the same place twice. But being the nice candidate, sorry to say, won’t earn you any votes.

When did brazen lies start being paraded around as policies? Some of these lies are so blatant that you have to be high on crack so as to buy them. Don’t believe a word of that “I’ll solve the missing-mark issue when I get elected” street talk. It’s nothing but red meat for display on manifestos. The good news, however, is that nobody has the time to read through the mendacity in campaign banners.

But sometimes I think all it takes for people to vote you in is good looks. If you aren’t easy on the eyes, I suggest you shelve any ambitions of ever being a student leader. Take note to Photoshop your pictures while designing your campaign posters. Do not waste time in formulating policies. Instead, work on getting a set of artificial hips so you can display a geometric figure on the posters.

ImageI wouldn’t finalise my litany without pointing out the foolhardiness of candidates who spend prodigious amounts of cash on the campaign trail.  They parade around campus in rented limos and hired buses with a goal of bamboozling the electorate with their affluence. Some of them have god-fathers who fund their campaigns to the tune of millions; stupid ones have applied for youth loans. I am worried that with such kind of spending, a few of my comrades might have just incurred the type of debt usually associated with third world countries.

They’re asinine politicians; these comrades of mine.

Why do couples lose their spark in love?



Posted: October 3, 2013 in Uncategorized