Archive for July, 2013



ImageI petulantly apologised to the kid I had shoved out of the way and proceeded with my journey haste; half-jogging and half-running. I had to get to Pendo fast.

As I hopped over a brook of sewer, jumped over a pool of stagnant water, and accidentally stepped onto fetid garbage, my mind wandered to Pendo’s predicament.

I had met Pendo a year before in some youth empowerment programme. Pendo had been born and raised up in the slums of Soweto. Her mother had succumbed to lung cancer a few years back. Prior to her death, Mama Pendo had provided for her daughter by working with the railway cooperation as a locomotive attendant. The fact that she had died of lung cancer when she never used to smoke cigarettes was a paradox many failed to jejune.

After the death, Pendo was left with no option but to drop out of school for lack of fees. The only thing she inherited from her mother was their rickety tin house by the ever-busy railway line.

At the time of our meeting, Pendo was already a mother of a one-year-old baby, Tamar. As our Friendship grew, so did my love for Tamar and now at two years of age, I was the father figure in her life. For baby Tamar, growing up by the terminus deep in the slums of Soweto had been a tormenting experience. For once, she barely slept a wink as every few minutes; a passing train would rudely jerk her from her dreams by its loud hell-raising roar. But that was nothing compared to the deadly fumes that had made her contract asthma…

My train (pardon the pun) of thought was interrupted when I arrived at Pendo’s abode. “Where’s she?” I enquired about the whereabouts of Tamar.

“On her bed, she doesn’t respond to anything. I’ve tried administering the inhaler to no avail,” Explained Pendo with a twinge of desperation.

Tamar lay under the covers wheezing for breath; her life depended on it. Her asthma had exacerbated, and that could only be attributed to the foggy July weather that retained the fumes from the steam-powered trains in the atmosphere. She needed medical attention; now!

The nearest medical facility, Dr. Shah’s clinic, was twenty kilometers away. Getting Tamar to hospital would have been easy if we had a car, but we were deep in the Slum where the narrow paths around ostracized any vehicles from the place. Walking to the main road would take us a whole thirty minutes. And even if we made it to the roadside on time, the early morning traffic snarl-ups were sure to keep us grounded in the traffic jam for hours on end.

At the railway station the firewood-powered trains arrived every thirty minutes. A glance at my watch revealed that a train was due in a few minutes, so I instructed Pendo to strap ailing Tamar on her back and off we rushed to the catch the train.

Inside the smoke-billowing vehicle, I grimaced at the irony of using the same trains that had given Tamar the debilitating ailment to save her life.

One would expect that since acres of trees are fell to provide fuel for these trains, they should travel really fast. But the discombobulating factoid is that the iron snakes can barely crawl at 20 km/h. By the time we were alighting an hour later, Tamar was barely breathing.

At Dr. Shah’s clinic, A shaken Pendo handed her baby to the nurses on duty. Baby Tamar was pronounced dead on arrival.


ImageLadies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret and a long face that I stand before you this fateful day. I am sorry to be the poll-bearer of sad news, and believe you me; it pains me to the deepest point of my spirit.


The world’s procreation industry has gone on overdrive. Assclowns are fornicating left right and centre; bringing forth a multitude of progeny with flawed genetics. As a result, overpopulation is hell bent on decimating all of us. The planet is filling up really quickly and if we continue in the same vein, some of us will have to migrate to Jupiter.


Let me trace the genesis of this population pressure for you. But before I do that, I want you to recall an incident which was reported the other day by the media. I have been to Mt. Elgon once, and I can attest that the slopes are highly fertile. However, recent news from the region indicates that soil is not the only fertile thing. Their children are fecund too- they have adopted a hobby of playing sex from as early as five years. How else can you explain the highly discombobulating factoid that at least 18 girls are always pregnant at a particular time in every school? Asinine, asinine, asinine!


When exactly did the rain start beating us? I spoke to my grandpa some time back, and this is what the erudite old man had to say: “In our days, sex was something sacred, so sacrosanct that kids never even knew a thing about it. I myself didn’t have sex until three years into my marriage. And even then, it was purely unintentional. I just rolled and found myself in an inappropriate position.”


The old man continues, “But this generation of today; you are all going to hell in a hand basket. You hump each other like a bunch of mongrel dogs in perpetual heat and then boast about it on Facebook and Twitter.”


My old man is right. The whole notion of abstinence has been shot to hell. I mean, just try to juxtapose the situation during my grandpa’s time with how it is nowadays and you’ll bear me witness that we’re on the highway to damnation. All that the youth of today know to do is to party, drink and get laid.


On Saturdays, they team up with their rascally sex-loving college-mates and attend asinine jamborees with riddim music, drugs and sexual language. And on Sundays, instead of taking their crap to church, they’d rather sleep in, disrespect God, and have sex. I tell you, it’s a sad state of affairs.


However, my bone of contention does not have anything to do with fornication. Rather, my issue is with the unplanned pregnancies. It seems every college girls’ bucket-list contains ‘get a kid before am done with school’ as the first item. They end up filling the planet with miscreants bearing their flawed genetics. As a result of this overpopulation, global warming and earthquakes are on the increase.


The government has then made the situation worse by promising free laptops to class one entrants; not to mention the free maternity. Methinks when the government will decide to divert cash for the laptops to pay striking teachers that is when young people will back down in their eagerness to produce young ones.


America is feeling the pressure too. Their president was around the other day, preaching about gay rights all over the continent. In his speeches, I happened to smell a rat- a very rotten rat. You don’t have to be from the Rodent Control Department to know there’s a dead animal in the neighborhood.


Now, I do respect the LGBT community and I think they should be granted equal rights, but I don’t think Obama’s concern is genuine. Obama is a sly guy. He knows that by advocating for gay rights, more gay marriages will be conducted. And unlike heterosexual unions, gay unions do not bring forth offspring. By heeding Obama’s call, the population all over Africa will reduce drastically. Told you Obama is a genius; didn’t I? Read between the lines guys.


I also have a few golden suggestions on how to effectively tackle this issue of family planning. And no, I am going to suggest condoms. Adverts are all over urging the young people ‘waweke condom mpangoni,’ and it has all fallen on deaf ears. The youth of today love to do it dry fry. They’re ever in a hurry to contract the latest version of VD, which is not bad because it helps keep the population in check.


President Kenyatta (Yea, the President reads my blog), how about cobbling a Ministry for Procreation Affairs to help hamstring this unbridled breeding? You see, the reason why the Chinese manufacture everything in this world is because they don’t waste an ounce of their energy in asinine propagation. In China, you’ve got only one chance to have a baby and once you blow it, it’s gone! Forever! You’ll never get to have another kid ever again! Try to be chowderheaded and make an extra baby; the authorities there will incarcerate you and you will curse the day you were conceived. That’s why China is almost overtaking the US as the superpower. How about we introduce that system in Kenya?


I was also going to suggest that all the youth ought to be neutered, but I figured that would be quite extreme. Nevertheless, I have however invented my own system of curbing the excessive population growth. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to unveil to you the UN accredited Jowal Jones Model of Procreation Control, a model that is fully approved by the Kenya Bureau of Standards.

Under this model, Procreation Centers are to be set in every county. Once kids are sexually active, they should be taken to these centers and have their tubes tied. The tubes should only be opened after marriage, and by production of an untying certificate from the Ministry of Procreation Affairs. This will not only put a moratorium to asinine breeding, but it will also change matrimony from being a process of tying the knot, and will henceforth be referred to as ‘untying the knot.’ How many claps for my genius proposal?