Archive for June, 2013

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe!

 

In A BLUNT KIND OF LOVE (PART 1), I narrated how cupid caught James Blunt and me in the chokehold. While researching for this post (yea, I do my homework), I picked up one more doozy I’d like to share with you.

ImageA friend, let’s call her Valerie, narrated to me how she got so intoxicated with affection in an exam room that she found it hard to focus on the accounting questions a hand. She was sat next to this hot dude in a CPA examination hall, and she couldn’t help but keep staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. “When I first set my eyes on him, I knew I would give everything to make him my better half,” Valerie recalls.

Valerie’s heart had never beaten as much as it tumultuously did that day. “It was threatening to come out of its place,” she explains. The exams take two days, and Valerie narrates nostalgically how courage failed her even on day two, and all she mustered to say was hi.

“After the exams were officially over and the boy walked away, I felt like the last nail had just been driven into my coffin. There is no use hoping, because I know I will never see him again. It hurts; I didn’t even get a chance to know his name. If I were given one wish, I’d like to go back in time and tell that dude that I love him,” Regrets Valerie.

I also have one more story. Do you want another story? No? Well, am gonna give it to you anyway. This anecdote was narrated to me by another friend, whom I’ll call Margaret. No, I’ll call her Cera; it’s sexier than Margaret. Please note am not using real names here for legal reasons. Any resemblance of names to any person real or imagined; alive or dead; is purely coincidental. Got me? No? You know what? I don’t care whether you get me or not, it won’t solve the teachers’ strike.

Cera was walking… No, let’s call her Honey. Honey was walking from school along one of the streets in Nairobi, when this dude ‘accidentally’ bumped into her and caused her to drop the stationery she was carrying. The guy apologized and went ahead to pick up the books she’d dropped. Unbeknown to him, Honey, who was now motionless like a deer in the headlights, was falling into love. Let’s call the dude Sissy, for reasons you’re gonna find out later.

“Here are your books, am sorry.”

“No problem, it’s fine.”

“I love you.”

Hey, stop! Wait a minute! Hold on just a little… Did Sissy just tell a stranger that he loved her? This doesn’t make sense *shakes head*. You just bump into a random girl and go ahead declaring your deep love for her from the highest point of your spirit? Girls, how would you react if an alien along Tom Mboya Avenue tells you he loves you? As you prepare to answer that, let’s find out how Honey replied.

“I love you too.” Said Honey.

Allaine, did I just hear “Nakupenda pia?” Wonders never cease.

The new couple, however, did not have time to savour their newfound romance. It dawned on them they were creating quite a scene, and they had to make way for other pedestrians. So, without another word, Honey and Sissy continued with their perambulation in opposite directions.

What’s the common denominator between James Blunt’s story, Valerie’s, Honey’s and mine? We all lacked courage to ask for contacts.

There’s not enough beer in the world to cause me to approach a total stranger the way Carly Rae Jepsen did, and ask for her number. It never goes well. Not even on Facebook. You might end up with a black eye. Even on Facebook. Like in that video for example, Carly Rae ends up with a lot of egg on her face when the six packed guy snobs him. He ignores her so hard that she even starts doubting her own existence. And then at the end, Carly Rae is flabbergasted to discover that the dude she’s been chasing all along is gay. Of course you won’t notice that, unless you watch the video keenly. Borrow your grandpa’s spects the next time that video comes on TV.

Another sad, but ironically humorous experience, is narrated by the American electronica band, Owl City. Now, I know I’ve tortured the idiom “deer in the headlights” more than enough, but please allow me to use it just this once. Okay? No? Guess what! As long as using this idiom will help end the teachers’ strike, I’ll go ahead and use it a hundred more times.

In their song titled “Deer in the Headlights”, Adam Young, the lead singer, tells of incidences in which he was struck by cupid at first sight.

 

Tell me again was it love at first sight

When I walked by and you caught my eye.

Didn’t you know love could shine this bright?

Well smile because you’re the deer in the headlights.

 

Adam Young goes ahead to narrate how one girl didn’t find his overtures amusing, and she let him know so. In a nasty way.

 

Met a girl in the parking lot,

And all I did was say hello.

Her pepper spray made it rather hard

For me to walk her home,

But I guess that’s the way it goes.

 

Yes Adam Young, I agree with you. That’s the way it goes. They always carry pepper spray in their LV hand bags to wade off people who are so shameless and asinine as to make an overture towards a random girl in the parking lot. That’s why I never do it. Let it be a lesson to all you guys. When you’ll lose your sight, don’t say I never warned you.

Teachers’ strike or not, there’s one person who never learns. And that’s Adam Young. Girls are his Achilles’ heal; he doesn’t care even if they decide to call the police on him. And he let’s us know in this verse:

 

It’s suffocating to say,

But the female mystique takes my breath way.

So give me a smile or give me a sneer,

Cause I’m trying to guess here.

 

The guy flagrantly attempts his act the next day, and this is the way it goes:

 

Met a girl with a graceful charm,

But when beauty met the beast she froze.

Got the sense I was not her type

By black eye and bloody nose,

But I guess that’s the way it goes.

 

Wah! Lesson learnt; never hit on a girl that looks anything like Nyeri. A black eye and a bloody nose? I swear William Ruto cried for this! I don’t know whether to sympathize with the rockstar or to laugh at him. I’ll go with the former, because every time I laugh someone goes deaf.

Imagine you get lucky, like that 0.01% germ, and your partner goes with the flow. Does that guarantee a happy ever after, a life filled with laughter and honey? My research says no, and Ipsos Synovate agrees with me.

Remember the story about Honey and Sissy? Did you love it? No? How does that help with the teachers’ strike?

Turns out their story did not end there. Fate had more plans for the two. A few weeks later, while imbibing poisons at a club in town, Honey spotted her love from Tom Mboya. They danced together, and the rest is history. But not the rosy kind of history. Honey had to dump the dude less than a month later.

Why now? She simply found out that he wasn’t Mr. Right. “I tell you Jones, this guy used to behave like a girl! It was like I was the dude in the relationship,” laments Honey.

Honey went ahead to explain how the dude went postal when his chick didn’t text him first. He expected Honey to take him out, call him, and even pay for his beer! Honey’s litany went further to explain how Sissy’s mannerisms, including clothing, all seemed sissy. Who knows? Maybe the metro sexual was already asking doctors to change him down there! “I got tired of wearing the pants in the relationship, and had to call it off.” stated Honey.

What’s your story? Share it please.

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My life is brilliant.

 

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that am sure.

 

These are not actually my words. Music enthusiasts would recognize these as the opening lyrics to a song by RnB maestro James Blunt (You’ll have to pardon the pun in my title). You will be forgiven for thinking that James was singing this song, “You’re Beautiful,” to his lover. In point of fact, James Blunt has never even held a conversation with the subject. Let alone that, he’s never said hi. And yet he went ahead to compose a song for her! If I didn’t know better, I’d say the guy was out of his mind.

 

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do,

Cause I’ll never be with you.

 

ImageMr. Blunt saw this random girl on the street, and he instantly fell in love with her. Love at first sight; romance story tellers call it. Just a glance and you’re already tripping head over heels? Dude, what would you do you got stuck in an island with her? Chop off your eyes? (Before you ask, I also don’t have any idea how chopping off one’s eyes is related to love. But I assume it’s something someone going doolally with love would do.)

If I’m offered a penny for my thoughts, I’d say love at first sight is so asinine it should be a crime. In fact, it’s already a transgression before romance, a corruption of feelings and a felony towards I-don’t-know-what. If truth be told, the whole business of love is… Wait, no one asked for my opinion, did they? No?

What does James say about this two seconds affair with the beauty at the subway? (I don’t know what a subway is, but I assume it should be someplace like the Machakos bus station).

 

And I don’t think I’ll ever see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last ‘till the end.

 

Love at first sight surely happens to everyone at some point. As much as I really hate to admit it, it has happened to me too. Anyone who claims they have never seen someone hot and were immediately struck by the desire to marry them is a liar. All liars should be shot. Twice. On the head. Their bodies should be propped up and shot again. Same should apply to all people who fall in love at first sight.

It is fine when you meet a girl somewhere in a party or in class and you instantaneously drown in the pool of infatuation. Because then you know, you’ve got a slight chance of meeting that person again in future. But pray, why would you fall in love with someone barely caught a glimpse of in the matatu or at the park? You know very well you’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell of ever meeting that individual again, don’t you? That’s what Jowal Jones, an aspiring psychologist and an anti-love crusader, calls a Blunt kind of love.

Gather around me as I tell you a story. (I said gather around me metaphorically, not literally!). I still remember that day as though it were yesterday. I was a student a school in the city center, and I had to commute early every morning. This particular day I decided to take a bus. No sooner had I made myself comfortable on my seat than the heavens opened and the most wonderful phenomena occurred. What I felt can only be effectively described using the words of an ancient philosopher. I was lost as soon as I saw her enter the bus, for beauty’s wound is sharper than any weapon’s, and it runs through the eyes down to the soul. It is through the eye that loves’ wound passes and I now became prey to a host of emotions…

The goddess, who had probably been sent from heaven to bemuse poor mortals like me, walked towards my direction and took a sit opposite me in the opposite column. For once I thought about dialing the paramedics, ‘cause the beauty she oozed was suffocating. The female mystique made me freeze, and for the entire journey I was like a deer in the headlights.

“Jones, do you know that you’ll never meet that girl again?” asked Eric. (Eric’s the name I gave to that little voice inside my head).

“Yes Eric, I understand that.” I said.

“But there’s a way you can rectify that,” Eric continued.

“How now?”

“When people alight, just walk over to the girl. Compliment her about her beauty, and then give her your number.”

What? Walk towards a complete stranger in a bus and give her my number? No, Jones can’t do such. “You know Eric, it’s easy for you to say that coz it’s not you who will get humiliated.”

But Eric is not one to give up easily. “You’re overreacting Jones. Worst case scenario, she’ll just hiss at you like a cobra.”

“And you think getting hissed at is something I love?”

“Be positive Jones. Look at the bright side of things for a moment. Just imagine what will happen if you give her your card and then she calls back later. Think about you chatting with her on phone all day, going out for dates, tying the knot…”

“Stop it Eric!” I’d now had enough of my inner voice’s tomfoolery. “Things don’t go that way in real life. Who do you think I am? Carly Rae Jepsen?”

By now, the bus had reached its destination, and people were alighting. As I watched the girl walk out, my heart suddenly felt heavy and I turned blue. For a moment I thought of heeding Eric’s advice, but courage failed me.

“Regrets will haunt you forever, and that pain will be worse than the humiliation you’re avoiding,” Eric stated as the girl disappeared around a bend. Well, he was right.

James Blunt too, comes to a sad realization, the bitter factoid that he’ll never meet the beautiful girl from the subway again. Here are the last two lines of his song:

 

But it’s time to face the truth

I will never be with you.

 

The video ends by James Blunt committing suicide. He jumps over a cliff.

RE-TREEE-EAT!! (Day 1)

Posted: June 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

RE-TREEE-EAT!! (Day 1).